If

"If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --Amy Carmichael

A Thought

"Let us remember, however, that the Shepherd Himself sometimes makes us lie down. Some of the 'delays' are His own choice for us, so we must not always chide ourselves when the pace is not what we thought it should be. We must learn to move according to the timetable of the Timeless One, and be at peace." --Elisabeth Elliot

Focus on the Positive

Today has been horrible. One of the worst days I've had in a while, and that's saying a lot. But, instead of going into detail on all of the junk, I want to focus on the positives of the day. Emily, as challenging as she may be, is quite funny. I guess all young children say and do things that bring a chuckle, but of course I think these things only happen with my kids. Emily asked me today if she could play with her "secret spies". What?? I was quite confused, and it took some investigation to figure out that she wanted to play with her bubble wand. I guess the picture on the wand of three of the Disney princesses could pass for Charlie's Angels, but still I'm stumped how a bubble wand is a secret spy gadget. Later in the day, I was pushing the girls around the neighborhood in their stroller when Emily kept mumbling about wanting something. Finally she shouted, "I want a blow dandy!" I just chuckled as I searched for the perfect dandelion for her to blow. How clever she is in making up names for things! Even in the midst of the cruddiest days, I can still find reason to smile!

Never Enough

It's been two weeks since I've written. I've been incredibly stressed and overwhelmed, and I'm one of those people that completely shuts down when that happens. The only thing I can do is nothing. I'm still not back to normal, but when I created this blog my goal was to write everyday.

My family and I just returned from a trip home to Alabama, and the theme of that trip for me was "never enough". There's just never enough time. I felt the whole trip that I just did not have enough time to do all that I wanted to do or see everyone I wanted to see. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my father, and I just didn't have enough. I thought that a week would be plenty of time, but it ran out so fast! It just wasn't long enough. I didn't have enough time with my mother, and I didn't have enough time with my friends. Now that I'm home, however, I haven't had enough time to recover! All the running around and making sure my children stayed on schedule as much as possible completely wore me out, as well as the incredible stress of traveling and dealing with the kids sleeping in beds and rooms that weren't their own. I took Monday off of work to try and recuperate, but it wasn't enough! I think I need another week! I'm looking around my house and can feel my anxiety and stress grow...suitcases to unpack, laundry to finish, cleaning to do, flowers to water, toys to pick up, clothes to put away...the list goes on. So what happens?? I do nothing. I shut down. Tomorrow I'm home with the girls, and it will take all I have to unpack their suitcases. That is the one goal I have...it's all I can do. One goal, but it's better than nothing. The bright side of tomorrow is our pediatrician appointment. Erin turned one on the 11th, so we get to have her one year check up tomorrow! I'm very excited to see the doctor and talk about my big girl! She's amazing, and she's grown so much in the past couple of weeks. She's mimicking so much of what we do, even mimicking "Hi". She's growling like Emily, and she's trying so hard to walk. She's waving a lot and clapping her hands, and she's just so smiley! I believe the Lord gives me these wonderful things to help counteract the not so wonderful things that I'm dealing with these days. As much as my children stress me out and increase my anxiety level, they also keep me smiling and help me let go.

Ephesians 1

So I didn't write last night...I was disappointed but too tired to do anything about it. I attended a Bible study tonight with some ladies in my neighborhood. We're going through the book of Ephesians, and tonight was our first time together. We went through Ephesians 1, and though I didn't get a chance to answer the questions beforehand, the interaction with the ladies was very helpful. I've read this passage of Scripture many times, and tonight I was glad to have read it again. I needed the reminder that God has saved me...a wretched sinner who didn't deserve anything He has given. Not only has He saved me through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ, but He has sealed me through His Holy Spirit, and nothing can separate me from Him. No, this doesn't give me license to do as I please, but it gives me the freedom to know that even when I do mess up (as I do, daily), my salvation is still secure. I am and always will be His. I was also reminded tonight that I am to be a witness of Christ to my family. I failed miserably today, which is really sad considering I worked today and wasn't around my family much. Emily started her day with a massive tantrum, and instead of showing Christ to my daughter, I had a tantrum too. I also need to be more diligent to pray for my family. Paul prayed for the believers in Ephesus, as he did all of the believers that he ministered to. I don't pray for my children or my husband as I should. Sometimes I forget the power of prayer; other times, I admit, I doubt the power of prayer. I give into sin instead of trusting God's Word. I' m very glad that I went to this Bible study. At first, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I don't really know any of these ladies, but I know that I need to interact with other women...especially Christian women. Those who know me know that I am a bit shy, but I felt right at home tonight. I also need to study God's Word more. I've prayed Sunday after Sunday asking God's forgiveness for not spending time with Him. He's been on the back-burner when He's supposed to be my first priority above everything else. I feel that He's given me this time with these ladies to help restore my fellowship with Him, and I'm so grateful for His amazing mercy and grace.

A Prayer

I am too tired to think tonight, too tired to ramble on about my day or thoughts in my mind. I write tonight a prayer that I read last night. This prayer will be my prayer too, though written centuries ago:

"Almighty God, give to Thy servant a meek and gentle spirit that may be slow to anger and easy to mercy and forgiveness. Give me a wise and constant heart, that I may never be moved to an intemperate anger for any injury that is done or offered. Lord, let me ever be courteous, and easy to be entreated; let me never fall into a peevish or cententious spirit, but follow peace with all men; offering forgiveness, inviting them by courtesies, ready to confess my own errors, apt to make amends, and desirous to be reconciled. Let no sickness or cross accident, no employment or weariness make me angry or ungentle and discontented, or unthankful, or uneasy to them that minister to me, but in all things make me like unto the holy Jesus. Amen." --Jeremy Taylor, 1613-1667

Reminiscing

Tonight I finally recorded the events of my pregnancies with my girls. I've wanted to write about them for a while now, and I finally got it done. It always seemed an overwhelming task, but since I didn't write a narrative, it wasn't so bad. I just wanted to get the basics down of the similarities and differences so that when my girls get older they can know what happened (if they even want to know). Plus, my memory isn't as good as I would like it to be, so the documentation is for me as well. I don't want to forget what it was like to be pregnant with them...even the difficulties I faced with both of their labor and deliveries. That's part of their history and the history of what binds us together. Even when I think that I'm doing everything wrong, I'm reminded that I am the only mother they have, and the only true mother that they ever will have. I gave them life...God used me as the vessel to make them from scratch, and I love them more than anyone else in this world. I thought I knew love before I had children, but they have opened my eyes and my heart to what human love can be. I also thought I knew what worry and fear were, but unfortunately, they have opened my eyes to that too! Remembering their beginnings is also helpful on the days when they test my patience to its limit. I am reminded of the blessed joy I felt when I saw them for the first time, and it makes me want to keep them around!