If

"If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --Amy Carmichael

A Thought

"Let us remember, however, that the Shepherd Himself sometimes makes us lie down. Some of the 'delays' are His own choice for us, so we must not always chide ourselves when the pace is not what we thought it should be. We must learn to move according to the timetable of the Timeless One, and be at peace." --Elisabeth Elliot

Focus on the Positive

Today has been horrible. One of the worst days I've had in a while, and that's saying a lot. But, instead of going into detail on all of the junk, I want to focus on the positives of the day. Emily, as challenging as she may be, is quite funny. I guess all young children say and do things that bring a chuckle, but of course I think these things only happen with my kids. Emily asked me today if she could play with her "secret spies". What?? I was quite confused, and it took some investigation to figure out that she wanted to play with her bubble wand. I guess the picture on the wand of three of the Disney princesses could pass for Charlie's Angels, but still I'm stumped how a bubble wand is a secret spy gadget. Later in the day, I was pushing the girls around the neighborhood in their stroller when Emily kept mumbling about wanting something. Finally she shouted, "I want a blow dandy!" I just chuckled as I searched for the perfect dandelion for her to blow. How clever she is in making up names for things! Even in the midst of the cruddiest days, I can still find reason to smile!

Never Enough

It's been two weeks since I've written. I've been incredibly stressed and overwhelmed, and I'm one of those people that completely shuts down when that happens. The only thing I can do is nothing. I'm still not back to normal, but when I created this blog my goal was to write everyday.

My family and I just returned from a trip home to Alabama, and the theme of that trip for me was "never enough". There's just never enough time. I felt the whole trip that I just did not have enough time to do all that I wanted to do or see everyone I wanted to see. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my father, and I just didn't have enough. I thought that a week would be plenty of time, but it ran out so fast! It just wasn't long enough. I didn't have enough time with my mother, and I didn't have enough time with my friends. Now that I'm home, however, I haven't had enough time to recover! All the running around and making sure my children stayed on schedule as much as possible completely wore me out, as well as the incredible stress of traveling and dealing with the kids sleeping in beds and rooms that weren't their own. I took Monday off of work to try and recuperate, but it wasn't enough! I think I need another week! I'm looking around my house and can feel my anxiety and stress grow...suitcases to unpack, laundry to finish, cleaning to do, flowers to water, toys to pick up, clothes to put away...the list goes on. So what happens?? I do nothing. I shut down. Tomorrow I'm home with the girls, and it will take all I have to unpack their suitcases. That is the one goal I have...it's all I can do. One goal, but it's better than nothing. The bright side of tomorrow is our pediatrician appointment. Erin turned one on the 11th, so we get to have her one year check up tomorrow! I'm very excited to see the doctor and talk about my big girl! She's amazing, and she's grown so much in the past couple of weeks. She's mimicking so much of what we do, even mimicking "Hi". She's growling like Emily, and she's trying so hard to walk. She's waving a lot and clapping her hands, and she's just so smiley! I believe the Lord gives me these wonderful things to help counteract the not so wonderful things that I'm dealing with these days. As much as my children stress me out and increase my anxiety level, they also keep me smiling and help me let go.

Ephesians 1

So I didn't write last night...I was disappointed but too tired to do anything about it. I attended a Bible study tonight with some ladies in my neighborhood. We're going through the book of Ephesians, and tonight was our first time together. We went through Ephesians 1, and though I didn't get a chance to answer the questions beforehand, the interaction with the ladies was very helpful. I've read this passage of Scripture many times, and tonight I was glad to have read it again. I needed the reminder that God has saved me...a wretched sinner who didn't deserve anything He has given. Not only has He saved me through the blood of His Son Jesus Christ, but He has sealed me through His Holy Spirit, and nothing can separate me from Him. No, this doesn't give me license to do as I please, but it gives me the freedom to know that even when I do mess up (as I do, daily), my salvation is still secure. I am and always will be His. I was also reminded tonight that I am to be a witness of Christ to my family. I failed miserably today, which is really sad considering I worked today and wasn't around my family much. Emily started her day with a massive tantrum, and instead of showing Christ to my daughter, I had a tantrum too. I also need to be more diligent to pray for my family. Paul prayed for the believers in Ephesus, as he did all of the believers that he ministered to. I don't pray for my children or my husband as I should. Sometimes I forget the power of prayer; other times, I admit, I doubt the power of prayer. I give into sin instead of trusting God's Word. I' m very glad that I went to this Bible study. At first, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I don't really know any of these ladies, but I know that I need to interact with other women...especially Christian women. Those who know me know that I am a bit shy, but I felt right at home tonight. I also need to study God's Word more. I've prayed Sunday after Sunday asking God's forgiveness for not spending time with Him. He's been on the back-burner when He's supposed to be my first priority above everything else. I feel that He's given me this time with these ladies to help restore my fellowship with Him, and I'm so grateful for His amazing mercy and grace.

A Prayer

I am too tired to think tonight, too tired to ramble on about my day or thoughts in my mind. I write tonight a prayer that I read last night. This prayer will be my prayer too, though written centuries ago:

"Almighty God, give to Thy servant a meek and gentle spirit that may be slow to anger and easy to mercy and forgiveness. Give me a wise and constant heart, that I may never be moved to an intemperate anger for any injury that is done or offered. Lord, let me ever be courteous, and easy to be entreated; let me never fall into a peevish or cententious spirit, but follow peace with all men; offering forgiveness, inviting them by courtesies, ready to confess my own errors, apt to make amends, and desirous to be reconciled. Let no sickness or cross accident, no employment or weariness make me angry or ungentle and discontented, or unthankful, or uneasy to them that minister to me, but in all things make me like unto the holy Jesus. Amen." --Jeremy Taylor, 1613-1667

Reminiscing

Tonight I finally recorded the events of my pregnancies with my girls. I've wanted to write about them for a while now, and I finally got it done. It always seemed an overwhelming task, but since I didn't write a narrative, it wasn't so bad. I just wanted to get the basics down of the similarities and differences so that when my girls get older they can know what happened (if they even want to know). Plus, my memory isn't as good as I would like it to be, so the documentation is for me as well. I don't want to forget what it was like to be pregnant with them...even the difficulties I faced with both of their labor and deliveries. That's part of their history and the history of what binds us together. Even when I think that I'm doing everything wrong, I'm reminded that I am the only mother they have, and the only true mother that they ever will have. I gave them life...God used me as the vessel to make them from scratch, and I love them more than anyone else in this world. I thought I knew love before I had children, but they have opened my eyes and my heart to what human love can be. I also thought I knew what worry and fear were, but unfortunately, they have opened my eyes to that too! Remembering their beginnings is also helpful on the days when they test my patience to its limit. I am reminded of the blessed joy I felt when I saw them for the first time, and it makes me want to keep them around!

May I be so bold

"My goal is God Himself--not joy, nor peace
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God.
'Tis His to lead me there, not mine, but His--
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!

"So faith bounds forward to its goal in God
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard,
'Till God hath full fulfilled my deepest prayer.

"No matter if the way be sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost be oft-times great,
He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark--
The way that leads to Him must needs be strait.

"One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay;
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord:
My God my glory here from day to day,
And in the glory there my Great Reward."

--Frederick Brook

One of Those Days

It's been one of those days when I feel like I have been talking to myself most of the day. Like my head could have popped off of my body and floated away, and no one would have noticed. It amazes me sometimes how much my toddler doesn't listen to me. Sometimes I wonder, has she gone deaf? Am I in a deconstruction zone (physics) where she literally can't hear me? Am I really speaking out loud, or is it just in my head? Lots of questions float through my mind as I plead desperately for her to listen. I feel like I ask the same question over and over, but I also answer the same question over and over. She'll ask a question, and if I don't tend to that particular need in the next nanosecond, she asks again. Sometimes I wish I had a repeat button that I could press so that I wouldn't have to say the same thing over and over again. Funny thing is that I'm sure God feels that way about me sometimes. I ask for things over and over again, meanwhile He's telling me to wait a minute. He knows what I've asked, and He's working on it. It may not be the answer I want, but He always answers. Thankfully, He's a lot more patient with me than I am with Emily. I'm so glad for that! I think I've learned so much more about God since I've become a mom. There is so much similarity between the way I relate to my children and the way He relates to me. I'm sure if any other parent is reading this, they're sighing a big, fat "DUH," but I'm new at all this parenting stuff, and sometimes I'm naive enough to think I have an original thought.

Children are too funny

Oh my Emily! I know better than to leave her alone, but when I found her up in my bedroom she was rubbing her hands together. I didn't notice any open drawers where she would have found my lotion (or "lotions" as she says), but her hands had a very familiar smell. Hmmm, what could it be?? My soy candle! Apparently she had rubbed her little fingers on the soy candle that is on Stephen's nightstand. There were little Emily-sized grooves in the top of the candle. I have to say I'm impressed with her ingenuity! Two year olds can be so resourceful!

A Room of My Own

Why a blog? I consider this a room of my own: my own personal space that I can decorate any way I choose with no extra stress and no extra expense. A place where I can express myself, journal, scrapbook, and maybe inspire or encourage whoever chooses to read it. Being a wife and mother, I don't really have my own room in our home. I also can't be bothered to journal or scrapbook formally because the thought is overwhelming. My husband thinks I should write a book! Talk about overwhelming! First, I wouldn't know what to write about, and second, who would read it? At least with a blog, anyone can read it or not. If someone feels so compelled to read my insignificant little posts, then I welcome them, but if not, then it'll just be for my health and sanity.

Why Titus 2? This is a passage of Scripture that is near and dear to my heart. It expresses exactly who I'm striving to be as a woman, wife, and mother. I'm nowhere near there yet, nor will I be this side of heaven, but it's something that I pursue everyday (some are much better than others). Verses 3-5 state, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored." That is who I want to be. It is my heart's desire that I may honor God with the way I live my everyday life. Any of you who know me that are reading this are probably either chuckling or you have a confused look on your face because you know that my life does not measure up to that verse. I know that I'm nowhere near perfect, nor does my life reflect Christ as I would have it, but by the grace of God I keep on truckin'.

So this is my blog...enjoy!